Outside The Media. Beyond the News. Live from Greensboro, NC.

So there's this burger called the Monster Burger. You may have heard about this several months ago when Hardee's introduced it. It's massive, with 2/3 LB (yes pounds not ounces) of beef. Yesterday this burger beckoned me, begged me, it said "Liv Come Eat Me!" ...

And I did.

My problem isn't with the food at Hardee's- because it's incredibly delicious, it's the service. You see I'm very familiar with our "New" Hardee's, because it was recently purchased by another food chain called Carl's JR which is as infamous as McDonald's in California. Their no nonsense advertising of "If It don't get all over the place, it don't belong in your face." is a mantra that seems to ignore the "I'm a skinny bitch" faze most of America is in at the moment.

The most notable of Carl Jr's Sandwiches is the cult legend of the Double Bacon Western Cheeseburger, or in Hardee's speak "Western Bacon Thick Burger." Basically take burger, cheese, bacon, onion rings, and BBQ sauce and slap it on a bun. This is the God of burgers, the Saint of BBQ, This is perfection.

Unfortunately despite the western showing up on the menu at http://www.hardees.com it appears no one at Hardees knows that it exists. I've tried several times to order one and always have been told we no longer sell it. The drive-thru boards make no mention of it. But then I write to Hardees, and they send me a letter that yes indeed they do sell it. Please accept our apologies and here's a coupon for 2 free burgers.

OK I forgive you.

2 Weeks later I try to buy it. Guess what happened. Yep the same person that supposedly they had spoken to by management tells me they no longer offer my sinful treat. This time I'm mad. I don't understand. They sell onion rings, they sell BBQ sauce... put it to freaking together people.

So months go by, and I begin to let go of my burger. I decide one day on my way home I'm hungry and I will just go order something else and not even try to deal with the whole burger problem.

So I order this Monster Burger. I pull up and pay. They seem to recognize this is actually a menu item. Which is a good sign. They advise me to pull forward because obviously this is a "special" order and we wouldn't want to hold anyone up behind me. I begin to feel the vein in my forehead start to pulse. But being nice, I said "sure" and pulled forward next to the other 3 cars that are waiting. (Yes 3) I didn't mind waiting the first 10 or 15 minutes, I was digging through my purse, while my counterparts were reading the newspaper and the other guy was playing on his cell phone.

As I waited I began to imagine what might be taking so long. Is the Burger cook, chasing down Bessie the cow. Telling her she had to take one for the team. Perhaps the sheer size of this burger requires presidential approval or something, I'm not sure.

After about 25 minutes go by, and I think I've re-applied every different type of makeup I own: the Hardees lady knocks on my window. This abruptly alerts me from the search for that phone number I couldn't find in the deep abyss of my bag. I grab my burger which you could tell weighed the every bit of the 2/3 pounds they advertise, and then ask the lady as she is standing in the rain: "How did you carry it by yourself?" She rolled he eyes and then ran back into Hardees satisfied with her speedily service.

Well I got home, and decided I was going to conquer this masterpiece of beef. I had already forgotten the anxiety of my last 3 visits as the beef dissolved in my throat. After about 2 bites, I began to realize this would be a challenge. My intentions were to come home and complain once again about the service. However the dopamine induced zombie, that I was now becoming led me to the couch for a power nap, followed by a persistent vegetative state that led me to believe no one should be allowed to eat a small calf on a bun for lunch.

Since originally complaining it appear Hardees has removed the Western from their menu website. I am dismayed, sad, and convinced I may never go back to Hardees after the bad service, and their intentional removal of an American legend. I sure hope Jack In The Box doesn't make the same mistake when they come to Greensboro.