Sunshine's lover, Schitzy (short for Schizophrenia) is also a male kitty, a man kitten, with a major weight problem in addition to his sinful life choice. When I say weight, I'm talking like a fifty pound cat. This is not a thin cat by any definition of the word. In fact, if Schitzy's belly hung any lower to the ground his feet wouldn't reach the floor. This is a big cat, an obese cat. His favorite foods are pizza, cheeseburgers, and chocolate; although he is rarely allowed any of this any longer since starting his diet several months ago. However he's a clever kitten, and we've caught him several times hiding under the dinner table waiting for the our children to drop a delicious morsel of human-food-goodness.
So anyways I've tried explaining to them (the cats) that the Bible explicitly states the gay is a sin- just like menstruation. I really want my kitty to get into heaven, so curing our little feline friends of this cancer is very, very important to me. I sat down and explained to them that even though they loved each other, they should refrain from having sexual intercourse if they wanted me to buy them any more kitty nibbles.This is what us Christian pet owners call, tough love.
This of course didn't even begin to faze them, as they rotated their little heads in confusion, then attacked each other in a love embrace, and began licking one another all over. It was sickening, I think I threw-up in my mouth a bit. Certainly God did not intend for cute, lovely, little Kitties to be Gay??? Why Me God? Why?
It was at this point I grabbed Sunshine by the tail, dragged him in front of the television, and demanded that he watch some heterosexual kitty porn. Now in tears, I feverishly flipped through the channels trying to find the Discovery Channel, or National Geographic. What's this? A show called "Out of Africa: Gay monkeys of Kenya." - "NO!" I then, tried that Animal Channel, which had some inter-species comedy show between a cat and a dog. As a last resort I turned it to the Christian Channel, and it was at that very moment, I felt a paw slap me across my face and I swear I heard my cat meow: "what the hell is wrong with you?"
He was right and I knew it. Sunshine was gay. God had made him this way, and nothing I could say or do would change it. It wasn't a choice he made, it just was. It didn't effect my marriage at all. They could be gay and happy, and so could I. The best part is, we now all spend a lot less time fighting and arguing about it... Which of course, gave us more time to hide the lasagna from Schitzy, the fatty cat.