Where's the steroid testing in Nascar?
by Liv | Published on July 24th, 2006, 7:50 am | Sports
Men and testosterone. Men and cars. Men and testosterone and cars.
It's bound to happen as ludicrous as it sounds. Someone is going to figure out they can make Nascar races alot more exciting by invoking road rage in the drivers, by doping up their drivers on super-human testosterone.
Think about it. Nascar involves vehicles circling around in a never ending loop of boredom. The anticipation for someone to pass is almost painful to watch. So why do people watch it? Well for the same reason people tune to KTLA in Los Angeles every time someone pulls an OJ Simpson and tears up the 101 in a stolen vehicle: Car wrecks.
Nascar fans are nothing more than car wreck junkys. People sit around the track and the TV with their beer in hand waiting for the next tire to fly off, car to flip over, or if they get lucky an angry feud between drivers that sends drivers rubbing each others bumpers in that last lap of intense Mano-y-Mano driving.
Would we care if this excitement we pleasure in was from steroids? Would we want a race of passive nice lane changing testosterone deprived drivers? Think about it? Nascar drivers using hand signals to pass, consistently radioing back to the pits, that they'll get there when they'll get there and to stop rushing them. Maybe we could paint floral patterns on the cars, and run sponsor ads for tampons, and estrogen replacement therapy.
No what Nascar needs is more testosterone. We need to inject these drivers until they're hairy insane monkeys flying around the track. We want wrecks, high speed collisions, crankshafts flying off into the stand.
And if that doesn't amuse us.
Give them short-range missiles attached to the side of the cars.